Three times he went back to the door. The last he waited longest, pausing, breathing, waiting, waiting. Rain dripped down. Then he knocked.
I’m thinking there’s too many waitings, and a pause, maybe whack in a description of something that takes a while to form, like his breathe condensing on the door plate/glass/ instead.
“Three times he went back, until his breath fogged up the door’s brass. When he could no longer see his face reflected, he quickly knocked.”
I’m sorry if the whole idea for this piece started with the words waiting, waiting.
I like the original much better.
And I like the repetition of “waiting”.